


Where to Start Over and How to Begin

by lilyfarfalla



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-15
Updated: 2010-12-15
Packaged: 2017-10-24 01:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/257233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilyfarfalla/pseuds/lilyfarfalla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Season 5, Atlantis is stuck on Earth. Teyla realizes she has to create the path to take Atlantis home. With the help of Woolsey, Ronon, John and Rodney, she’s wildly successful, but somewhere along the way, Rodney and John get a little lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where to Start Over and How to Begin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Goddess47](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goddess47/gifts).



John Sheppard was being a complete asshole.

Rodney had started a perfectly pleasant conversation with John and Ronon while they were waiting for Chuck to dial the Mularoan planet. He thought the discovery of a new material, _caimis_ , which might be able to shield small automated craft from Wraith scanning devices, was exciting news.

But instead of getting the appreciative responses Rodney expected, John turned to Ronon to describe the early Russian space missions, and, at Ronon's skepticism at the idea of sending animals of any kind into space, tried to convince him that while dogs were loyal and hardworking animals, you could never send a cat into space.

Of course, Rodney had been obligated to respond to this grave insult, and by the time they were stepping through the gate he was loudly exclaiming, "And _that_ is why I will always choose cats over dogs, Colonel! Case closed."

Fine. Sometimes Rodney knew he could stand to be a tad more patient, a little more considerate of others. There were a few instances in which he could (maybe) have stood to be a little less emphatic about the stupidity found in most of the human race. However, at other times, Rodney thought he could win prizes in "Acting Like a Human Being" if John was his only competition.

Teyla interceded before John could reply. "John. Rodney," she said.

They fell silent. Rodney looked sheepishly at the ground and just stopped himself from saying "He started it!" Point for McKay, he thought sarcastically.

Teyla took a moment to look them both in the eye. "You both know how important these first few Kincias are -- for Atlantis and for the entire galaxy." She glanced back at Ronon, who raised an eyebrow.

"Does everyone remember their role?" she asked.

"We promise, they promise. It's a big promising fest, we've got it." Rodney replied.

John suppressed a snort, and Rodney and Ronon grinned while Teyla's face relaxed.

"We're old hats at this Kincia thing by now, Teyla," John drawled.

This outing was AR-1's fifth Kincia, a ceremony designed to cement long-lasting partnerships between Atlantis and the peoples and worlds of the Pegasus Galaxy.

Today's Kincia would wrap up several weeks worth of negotiations with the Mularoans, who had hesitated at first to enter into a compact with Atlantis. The negotiations had dragged on for much longer than anticipated. Maybe John was just nervous about it turning out okay, Rodney thought to himself.

They had literally covered themselves in mud to make it happen, and Rodney didn't particularly want to have to repeat the experience.

*

Rodney was walking just behind Teyla, absently scanning for energy signatures, when they reached the hilltop where the ceremony would take place.

Teyla, Rodney, John, and Ronon formed a half circle on top of the hill. It was windy and a little cold, but for a moment Rodney felt a rush of warmth. He glanced over at John, who was keeping watch towards the village. So what if John was being combative and strangely standoffish lately; Rodney was impatient and enjoyed calling people idiots. This is where they fit -- wandering around alien planets as a team, working for something bigger than any of them alone.

The Mularo delegation crested the far side of the hill, and Teyla stepped forward to greet them.

"Good morning!" she called. "Wende, Ioman, I am glad to see you."

"And we you, Teyla," replied a dark-haired woman. "Meet Sirii and Melan." She gestured to a girl and a young man. They were chosen to complete our number for the Kincia and to represent our younger citizens."

Teyla nodded in greeting. "Shall we begin?" she asked.

Rodney moved to stand between the girl, who couldn't be much older than Madison, and Ioman, an older man with white-streaked hair. John stood across from him, studiously avoiding eye contact. Rodney sighed, trying not to show his irritation.

Teyla looked around the now complete circle with approval.

"Atlantis welcomes Mularo into Kincia," Teyla said. "We promise to call you brothers and sisters."

"We will call you brothers and sisters," said Ioman. "And we promise to always welcome you at our table."

"We will always welcome you at our table," said John. "And we promise to come to your aid when you call."

"We will come to your aid when you call," said Sirii. "And we promise to consider you among the first of our trading partners."

"We will consider you among the first of our trading partners," said Rodney. "And we promise to welcome you as students and teachers."

"We will welcome you as students and teachers," said Wende. "And we promise to speak of you in good faith."

"We will speak of you in good faith," said Ronon. "And we promise to listen when you speak."

"We will listen when you speak," said Melan. He paused and grinned at everyone in the circle. "The Mularoans welcome Atlantis into Kincia!"

And then it was over. Rodney knew that in most cases the Kincia ceremony itself was more wrapping than substance. The real partnership-making happened before the ceremony took place, in the judging of Atlantis's behavior to people in the past, in promises for the future. Still, even by the fifth time round, he was surprised by how firmly a few words seemed to cement informal trade agreements into a civilization-long promise.

*

The Kincia with M7G-677 had been one of the more elaborate ceremonies, though the words used by AR-1 and Keras and his fellow "elders" were similar. The negotiation process had also been much more straightforward than with the Mularoans.

Over the years, Atlantis had remained in close contact with M7G-677 and Keras's slowly maturing group of children, and they were happy to cement a more formal relationship with the city. The terms of the Kincia partnership, established after their return to Pegasus, reinforced the informal give and take that had already been established between Atlantis and M7G-677.

In their first year on Atlantis, Elizabeth had sent Carson with Teyla to do a quick sex-education course, mostly focused on using birth control to help ease the ingrained worries of Keras and his people about population growth. Rodney had visited to the planet several times himself (after Radek had refused to ever return), studying the cloaking technology and rolling his eyes while small children stole chocolate out of his pockets. The continued delivery of birth control supplies in exchange for allowing Lantean scientists to study the cloaking technology was one of the terms of the Kincia with M7G-677.

More significantly, Atlantis invited Keras to send up to five of his people to participate in a knowledge-sharing program that Woolsey and the Athosians had set up. Eventually, Atlantis planned to invite participants from all of the worlds or peoples they established Kincia with, and together with the Athosians, Keras's people were one of the first invited to join.

The program worked like an internship on Earth, and participants could focus on working with existing Atlantis staff in a particular area or they could rotate through departments, military and scientific both.

Rodney was excited at the idea of more minions, but he gave administrative oversight to Zelenka. Radek had complained long and loudly to Rodney in public, but Rodney knew better; he'd been privy to Zelenka's drunken confession that he actually enjoyed teaching the younger scientists-to-be their way around Atlantis.

*

The actual Kincia between Atlantis and Keras's people took place on a bright spring morning.  
The low platform where the representatives for M7G-677 met Rodney and his team to exchange promises was set up under a willow-like tree, and rows of rough benches for witnesses surrounded the platform. In his suit, Rodney was uncomfortably reminded of a wedding.

John wore his dress uniform and Teyla an incredible gown that Rodney tried to describe to Jeannie in an email as "tie-dyed, but beautiful." (Jeannie had replied, "Only Teyla.") Rodney stayed far away from Jennifer, who had come with a delegation of Lanteans and Athosians.

Still, despite the awkward connotations of marriage that Rodney tried to ignore, he couldn't help but feel a glow of pride and happiness when he looked at his team. John looked as happy as he'd ever seen him, and Rodney felt a deep sense of accomplishment at being on the path to doing something good for the Pegasus galaxy, something proactive for once.

*

Back on Atlantis after the Mularoan Kincia, Rodney stripped off his tac vest and gear, grateful yet again that costuming had been rejected as a component of the Kincia.

John was a few steps behind him, redistributing items from his pack and hanging his vest in his locker. Rodney hesitated at his own locker for a moment. A month ago, he'd have said, "Lunch, Colonel?" and John would have nodded or squinted at him or jabbed Rodney in the side with one of his pointy elbows and they would have gone to the mess hall for lunch. But recently --

"You waiting for something, McKay?" John asked, still facing his locker.

Rodney huffed. "Lunch, Colonel?" he asked pointedly, letting a little irritation into his voice.

John didn't even pause to make eye contact on his way out of the door. "Sorry, McKay, things to do," he said as he walked down the hall.

Yeah. Lately, John just walked away.

Rodney sighed again and turned in the opposite direction to head to the labs. Maybe Zelenka had figured out if the _caimis_ could be processed more efficiently.

*

 **Eight Months Earlier**

As far as Rodney could tell, Teyla had basically made up the whole Kincia thing as an excuse to get Atlantis back to the Pegasus galaxy. She hadn't ever mentioned trust-based partnerships as a common element in this galaxy's societies before Atlantis got stuck on Earth. But then again, maybe Rodney just hadn't been listening.

Three months after Carson had miraculously managed to land Atlantis just outside the San Francisco Bay, the city was still there, despite Rodney's daily emails to the SGC about the deleterious effects of the combination of pesticides, polychlorinated biphenyls, dioxin, and other pollutants on the hull of the city.

Despite trying to keep together with a regular movie night, everyone on the team was starting to fall apart. John's face shut down a little more with every "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" and "Well, sir, I made the best decision I could at the time, sir" that panels of grim-faced Generals and bland suits forced out of him. He began to look more and more like the blank wall he'd resembled in Antarctica.

Ronon discovered movie theaters and Netflix at the same time. In between trying to convince Amelia and various marines to go see the latest car crash "film" or superhero travesty, Ronon decided to watch every action movie available on DVD, along with a bunch of others. Rodney wouldn't really have worried about this, except that when Ronon wasn't watching movies, he'd begun to vibrate with repressed energy. Rodney knew there were _a lot_ of dumb action movies out there, but he couldn't predict where Ronon would turn his intense focus once he'd seen enough of them.

Rodney was doing…okay. He had plenty to keep him busy -- the trip through hyperspace and the entry through Earth's atmosphere had damaged a number of key systems and thrown the operations of even more out of whack.

But even with all the work, he started to feel a kind of listlessness -- Atlantis on Earth was not the same life he'd been living for the past five years. The wormhole was silent with the gate at the SGC taking priority, and without off-world missions, he spent too many hours in the lab and inevitably came back to his quarters at the end of the day with a blinding headache.

*

Jennifer had transferred to SGC headquarters for Atlantis's duration on Earth, citing a desire to work where she was needed. Rodney missed her, though he saw her whenever he visited the Mountain for briefings. Before she'd transferred, she and Rodney had spent a week with Jennifer's father in Wisconsin.

While Rodney was never fond of meet-the-parents days, seeing Jennifer in her home territory had been enlightening. Rodney had always thought Jennifer was a competent doctor -- the way she'd stepped up and tried to save Elizabeth had proven her worth to the senior staff, and no one doubted her ability to act in the operating chamber or to lead the medical team.

In her childhood home, Jennifer was just as confident as she was in the medical ward, but more relaxed. She teased both her Dad and Rodney in such a way that they ended up getting along with each other, much to Rodney's surprise. On the evening on the fourth night of Rodney's visit, he had abruptly realized that this was what having a home outside of Atlantis must mean.

*

Even missing Jennifer, Rodney was managing on Earth, though his daily and increasingly vitriolic emails to various SGC heads might have told a different story. Still, he was more worried about John and Ronon and Teyla.

Teyla was so anxious to get back to her son and people that even Rodney noticed she was upset. She might have been more patient if she'd only had to suffer through a separation from Kanaan and her people ( _again_ ). But Torren's first birthday had come and gone while they were floating in the Pacific. Rodney knew that if _he_ was starting to miss babysitting duty with John, _Teyla_ had to be going out of her mind -- as much as Teyla _could_ lose it anyway.

The initial debriefings after they'd landed in the Pacific had lasted for several weeks. Teyla had remained a rock of patience, while Rodney and John and Ronon became increasingly irritable and claustrophobic under the mountain. But after they returned to Atlantis and the weeks started to turn into months without any word from the SGC on when they'd be returning to Pegasus, Teyla's calm had withered. It had been completely terrifying to observe.

One day, when Rodney was trying to wheedle his way out of practicing stick fighting with John (who was really the worst sparring partner in the world, Rodney didn't understand why Teyla never _saw_ that), Teyla had abruptly thrown her Bantos rods to the ground and told Rodney in a tight voice that if he wanted to be eaten by Wraith when they returned to Pegasus, he was welcome to leave the sparring room. Rodney had quickly shut up, and even John had avoided poking at Rodney that session.

Rodney'd also overheard Teyla use sarcasm when replying to something John had asked her. Rodney had heard her say, "No John, I _always_ think silence and avoidance are the best way to deal with difficult topics." Which Rodney realized was his cue to turn around and walk away very quickly -- only stopping to intercept Zelenka and a couple of marines who had been headed towards Teyla.

Another time Ronon had told John and Rodney that Teyla had flat-out refused to meditate with him, because she "didn't have the patience to deal with someone uninterested in learning the art." John's mouth had literally dropped open in response, and Rodney had resolved to try to completely steer clear of Teyla for a while.

Finally, Teyla had scheduled a meeting.

*

Rodney had always thought of Teyla as a diplomat and a peacemaker. She always seemed to understand both sides of a conflict and sincerely wanted to resolve either a fight between friends or a dispute between nations.

So while Rodney hadn't spent much time thinking about it, if asked, he might have pointed to her diplomacy, her patience, her capacity to see both sides of a disagreement, and her ability to kick a little ass if necessary, as the qualities that made her a good leader.

"Ruthless politician" and "happy to lie for the greater good" would not have been on his list.

The group Teyla had called together was small, the team plus Woolsey.

At this point, Rodney would have done anything Teyla asked just on the off chance it would prevent an escalation. Rodney had made a point of collecting John and Ronon on his way to the conference room, intent on ensuring he wouldn't be the only one in a room with Teyla at any time. Teyla was in fact the last to arrive, and acknowledged their presence with a nod.

"Thank you all for coming today," she said. "You may have noticed my increasing impatience with the IOA and SGC's response to our requests to return Atlantis to its home galaxy."

Rodney and John shared a look.

Teyla continued. "I have long considered Atlantis my home, and I believe you all do as well. But it is not the same home unless it is in the Pegasus galaxy. I had hoped that the SGC would understand that Atlantis could not stay on Earth, but I now fear that their priorities are too narrowly focused to see the great harm that keeping the city on this planet is bringing and will continue to bring to all of the Pegasus galaxy."

And then she'd laid out a plan for how to get the IOA and SGC to approve Atlantis's return to Pegasus.

*

Teyla's plan to bring Atlantis home, laid out in sparse detail that day, subverted the "Gold, glory, god" -- or rather "Goa'uld, Ori, technology" -- reasons for exploration that still supported most SGC missions.

John sat up straight as Teyla spoke, eyes bright and more expression in his face than Rodney had seen in weeks. Ronon's tense spine had relaxed back into his seat, and Rodney had come up with ten more tech-based arguments for returning the city that he hadn't already shared with the SGC. However, it was Woolsey who, more than anyone, understood exactly what she was saying and how they could make it happen.

Teyla's plan was straightforward, if not simple. In the first phase, the IOA and SGC had to decide, seemingly for themselves, that Atlantis should return to Pegasus.

Woolsey and Rodney and John stopped directly appealing the SGC to send Atlantis back to Pegasus. Teyla's plan called for a more subtle approach. Instead, in the next set of required visits to the SGC and debriefings to the IOA, they talked about the materials yet to be mined, the technology yet to be discovered, and the Ancient knowledge yet to be deciphered.

Official debriefings relied on facts, though they were often exaggerated. However, the real genius of Teyla's plan relied on the network of rumors and gossip that flowed through SGC headquarters, which Teyla planned to use to spread a series of positively misleading stories about Pegasus.

The SGC wants Earth safe, she pointed out. Therefore, we must show them that Atlantis can do the most to protect Earth from another galaxy.

In official debriefings, Teyla alluded to the many potential unexplored Ancient labs on worlds that could only be accessed from a Pegasus gate. She hinted that the Ancient spaceships AR-1 had previously encountered were only a few of the ones that were surely still hidden throughout the galaxy.

At lunches in the SCG mess, Ronon took on storytelling duty. He "recalled" fairy tales of children finding magical metal hills hidden beneath forests and under water. He recited lines from nonexistent epic poetry about the Satedan ancestors who had fought over Ancient relics, though few among them could light them up. He shared mythologies from travelers he claimed to have met while Running who told of vast caverns full of strange lanterns that burned orange and yellow and red and gold.

Rodney did his part by writing reports on new materials he had encountered in the Pegasus galaxy and noting how civilizations there were using them. Footnotes pointed out that while full testing had not been conducted due to a lack of time and staff resources, many of these materials contained the same basic chemical compounds as the elements that made up Atlantis herself. While working with Bill Lee one week, Rodney theorized that the materials the Ancients had used to create Atlantis had probably come from the galaxy in which it was built.

"Wow," Lee had said. "You guys should really go back there and find the planets where you can mine."

"Yeah," Rodney said, managing to temporarily suppress every sarcastic bone in his body. "Good idea."

In one informal conversation Teyla had with a medic she'd met during a round of debriefings, she told the story of the Hoffan planet and the Wraith-proof inoculation.

It was altered slightly from the truth, as Teyla left out the Wraith response to news of the inoculation and its likelihood of killing nearly a third of the people who received it. Instead, she wondered aloud to her new friend whether the people who had developed the Wraith inoculation could help develop a drug that could be used to somehow inoculate against the Ori or against Goa'uld symbiotes... and that notion took on a life of its own.

People talked, and finally, a General visiting SGC headquarters was overheard saying "Wouldn't that damn city do more good back where it came from, finding us a new fighting spaceship or a way to protect ourselves from those religious freaks? Instead, we have to sit here and argue about what to do when sailboats get too close to the damn thing."

While Rodney had ranted about sailboats being the least of the problems with Atlantis's location, Teyla and Woolsey had smiled at each other when hearing the news.

*

After Woolsey had heard unofficially that the IOA wanted Atlantis in Pegasus so the staff living in the city would be able to take advantage of the resources, etc. there, Woolsey and Teyla agreed that it was time to implement phase two.

In phase two, Teyla was responsible for selling the Kincia concept to the IOA and Woolsey was in charge of securing Atlantis's independence.

Ronon had been the one to point out that as long as Atlantis was considered an outpost, a research facility, or a war machine, the city and its leaders had no real power to make partnerships in Pegasus. Despite his not-so-secret desire to fly the city all around the universe, John acknowledged that Atlantis would do no good to Pegasus if it were constantly being recalled to the Milky Way whenever the SGC had the slightest notion the city might be needed to protect Earth.

Having hooked the IOA on what Pegasus had to offer Earth, convincing them that the way to access all of that tech and Ancient knowledge was to create formal partnerships with Pegasus societies was fairly easy.

*

As in phase one, _official_ briefings and reports were fact-based, but they started strongly focusing on how long-lasting partnerships in Pegasus were formed instead of on the opportunities available in Pegasus.

Under the guise of giving a talk open to all SGC members interested in learning more about the Pegasus Galaxy (or, as Rodney referred to it, the "So You Want to Meet Some Vampires?" speech), Teyla described the ceremonies used across the Pegasus Galaxy and how trust exercises were used as a formally recognized agreement of alliance. This was somehow tied to the ostensible topic of the Wraith.

In Teyla's stories, peoples that were closely partnered would exchange representative families, "much like your diplomatic exchange," who would take on important roles in their new home.

The talk concluded on a melancholy note, as Teyla explained that some worlds had begun to explore this practice with Atlantis, but these representatives were not allowed full Lantean rights. Perceiving this lack of trust as the ultimate insult, Teyla mourned the opportunities lost when cultures took back their representatives and refused to further or renew trade negotiations. "Alas," she concluded, "If only Atlantis could form these partnerships, we could gain so much more from the Pegasus galaxy."

Rodney asked a few of his least stupid social scientists to write up reports on the formal bonds they had observed or heard of in Pegasus. Though they were submitted with several other unrelated reports, Teyla was able to reference them when she and Woolsey presented the idea of the Kincia to the heads of the IOA and SGC.

*

Woolsey had probably been the most pleasant surprise Atlantis had received in all the years of the expedition. Not only was the man a secret administrative genius, but he had a finely developed sense of right and wrong. Somehow, Woolsey had put "Atlantis returns to Pegasus" into the "right" column and was willing to do what was necessary to ensure that the city returned to its home.

In his utterly dry, utterly believable way, Woolsey had presented spreadsheet after spreadsheet of the expenses incurred by AR missions and the day-to-day upkeep of the city. He had submitted those just before sending in another, equally dry, set of spreadsheets on how these expenses could be covered by a series of trade agreements, both with worlds in the Pegasus Galaxy and with the SGC.

The genius of Woolsey's spreadsheets was in how they showed that simply by adjusting the way the Atlantis expedition was classified, Earth could continue to benefit from the immense amount of research and raw materials that Pegasus could deliver while having to cover only half of the expedition's ongoing costs.

The adjustment also meant that, on paper, Atlantis would be an independent authority.

Of course, Woolsey explained, that would be on paper only, and in reality, everyone would understand that the city remained responsible to the IOA and SGC. But those organizations would only need to provide goods to Atlantis as items in _trade_ , and not as automatic earmarks, which would help when _their_ budgets were being reviewed.

The IOA ate it up, and when General Landry expressed some reservations about the idea, the IOA responded that Landry could see his budget cut by the amount necessary to retrofit Atlantis or he could fill out the paperwork. Landry filled out the paperwork.

And just like that, as an aside more than anything else, Atlantis became its own entity.

When they found out, Teyla and Woolsey called the rest of the immediate planning team into the conference room to share the news. Ronon grinned and slapped John and Rodney on their backs so hard they had to cling to each other to stay upright. Teyla was radiant. And Rodney told the team the various reasons why he'd already picked out M24-982 as the best choice for a new home planet for Atlantis.

Still reeling, both from the news and Ronon's manhandling, Rodney told John, "It'll be just like in Asimov! Atlantis with a backdrop of a ring of cosmic dust and ice particles -- can you imagine it?"

"Fucking beautiful," John had replied hoarsely.

*

It was about the time that phase two was ending, and phase three (Pack-Atlantis-Full-of-Supplies-and-Hire-Some-People-Who-Can-At-Least-Take-Instructions) was starting up that Rodney realized he had no idea if Jennifer was coming back to Pegasus.

They'd seen each other every time Rodney had come to the Mountain for debriefings, and Rodney, with Teyla's okay, had told Jennifer about the plan.

(Jennifer herself had started talking casually about the time she and Teyla had been hunted by the Bola Kai on the Athosian homeworld. By the time Rodney overheard some SGC Marines gossiping about it, Teyla had killed twenty of the Bola Kai singlehandedly and it was the Uralveans (a fictional Pegasus civilization who apparently considered Teyla family) who had come to the rescue and not Atlantis. "Thanks for that," Rodney had said grumpily. Jennifer had only smiled and kissed him.)

Still, as much as Jennifer talked about how important it was for Atlantis to return to Pegasus, she mentioned just as often how wonderful it was to be able to call her Dad whenever she felt like it. And how much she'd missed hamburgers and beer. At the time, Rodney had agreed wholeheartedly, and they'd all had a night out in San Francisco where they ate bar food and drank local beers while Rodney mocked John for his love of Budweiser.

Rodney tried to ask Teyla if she knew what Jennifer was planning, but Teyla rolled her eyes (she really had spent too much time on Earth) and told him that was a question only Jennifer could answer.

But he found that the thought of asking her that question outright terrified him.

Would Jennifer want him to stay on Earth, or would she think that staying was a kind way of ending things? If she wanted _him_ to stay too, would he? He loved Jennifer, and it was the best relationship he'd been in, probably ever. She liked him, loved him even, and she put up with his personality flaws. Even Jeannie liked her, and Jeannie hadn't liked any of the girls Rodney had dated when he was younger.

No, Rodney thought a more subtle approach should be his first step in gauging which direction Jennifer was leaning.

He started talking even more about how great it was to be on Earth, and how important it was that the work they did and the knowledge they gained in Pegasus was to be used on Earth. Jennifer would agree, and they'd go out for more Earth food, and talk about how much they both loved it in Colorado Springs. This would be followed by Rodney waking up in a cold sweat after a nightmare about house shopping in the suburbs.

One night, they stopped for ice cream on the way back to the hotel near the Mountain where the SGC was putting up Atlantis staff. A bunch of kids were in line in front of them. Rodney rolled his eyes and was about to snidely comment about sticky fingers, but he glanced over at Jennifer first and saw her smiling at the juvenile antics.

Rodney sucked in a breath, suddenly seeing two futures stretch out before him: one where he was alone but in Atlantis, and one where he was with Jennifer on Earth.

Jennifer wanted kids; he knew that. And he wanted children too, but it was a very… abstract desire. But… Jennifer wanted kids, and she wouldn't want her kids on Atlantis. So eventually she would leave. Leave Rodney and find someone else and have some really smart babies. Rodney was devastated. Yet even as Jennifer slipped her arm through his and leaned her head on his shoulder, he realized he wouldn't leave Atlantis for her. He couldn't.

*

After that, Rodney saw children everywhere. Delegations from Milky Way planets streamed into the mountain, and somehow children seemed to be part of each one. Jennifer started giving him funny looks when they went out to dinner, and he never failed to point out the babies gurgling at nearby tables.

Finally, Jennifer sat him down in her hotel room one night. "Rodney," she said. "You know I love you."

"Oh god, Jennifer," he said. "I'm so sorry! I do love you, it's just, it's so important to me, the most important thing I'll ever do really, and -- "

"Rodney! Listen, I love you too. I thought maybe we might make it, you know?" She shrugged and sat down on the bed, a careful space between them.

Rodney was horrified to find he was tearing up. Jennifer sighed and turned to face him.

"I know you want children," she said. "And you think it's not safe to have them on Atlantis. But I can't just abandon my post, or my staff and the people there. I'm so sorry."

Rodney sighed and nodded. But then he jumped up and stared down at her. "Wait, what? YOU want children and don't want to stay on Atlantis. _I'm_ the selfish one who can't give up Atlantis for you!"

Jennifer looked at him blankly for a moment. "But -- but _you've_ been pointing out every baby we walk by! There has been LONGING in your eyes, Rodney McKay!"

"That's because I thought YOU wanted babies! _I_ was longing for Atlantis!" Rodney yelped.

"Huh," Jennifer said.

"Yes, well," said Rodney, sitting back down.

They sat silently for a few minutes, until Rodney built up the courage to look over at Jennifer again.

"So," she said. "We've both been waiting to dump each other the minute one of us asks the other to stay on Earth?"

Rodney grimaced. "That does appear to be the case. But, but, we _do_ both want the same thing! That's something right?!"

Jennifer sighed. "Oh Rodney. We were both willing to give each other up. I just… that doesn't sound like the foundation for a stable relationship to me."

Rodney turned and looked at her. She was so beautiful and smart and funny.

"Well," he said brightly. "On the upside, this is by far the best breakup I've ever had!"

Jennifer snorted. "Yeah, me too, I guess. She sat up straight and reached over to cup his face in her hands. "I do love you Rodney. And I'm really, really glad that we'll both be going back to Pegasus, even if we won't be together."

She kissed him, just as gently as the first time, and he closed his eyes as she pulled away.

"Well," he said, awkwardly standing up and straightening his shirt. "I'll be going to my room now."

"Goodnight, Rodney." Jennifer's eyes were starting to fill with tears, and Rodney found he didn't have it in him to comfort the girl he'd thought he was going to marry.

"Yes yes, night." He gently pulled the door shut behind him.

*

The news had spread to Atlantis by the time he got back.

No one was foolish enough to actually try and talk to him about it, but John took him for beers on the pier. ("It's just not the same with barges in the background," Rodney had said. John had only nodded in response.) Ronon, meanwhile, found some free time from beating up new recruits -- the movie watching had ended with the implementation of Teyla's Plan -- to introduce Rodney to some bizarre Satedan torture ritual. ("It's a _game_ , Rodney," John had said when he'd complained. "A bizarre Satedan torture game," Rodney had replied.)

Teyla merely spent more time with him outlining the resources the science staff would need and brainstorming on where in Pegasus they might be able to find manufacturing facilities that would meet Rodney's standards.

By the time Atlantis was prepping for takeoff and the last of the crew that would be traveling with them through hyperspace had come aboard -- most of the new staff would travel through the stargate once Atlantis had hooked back into the gate network -- Rodney had come to a kind of equilibrium about the whole breakup.

He would miss having Jennifer as his girlfriend, would miss the sex and the companionship. He would miss the idea of her as well, a girlfriend, a romantic partner. But Rodney realized that he wasn't heartbroken. In some ways, he was glad he could go back to just being himself -- a little prickly, perhaps, but brilliant and (almost) always right.

Rodney had never really tried to change himself for anyone before. He'd never seen the value in it. Plus people had always wanted such _massive_ changes, and changing himself in some fundamental way hadn't seemed possible.

But being in Atlantis, being a part of something so much bigger than himself, being part of a team -- all those things had changed Rodney, despite himself. He'd come to see the value in that change, in having friends like John and Carson, Ronon and Teyla, Elizabeth and Radek. Changing just a little more for a wife had seemed like a good idea.

Jennifer had come aboard for the hyperspace journey, along with most of the medical crew. The expectation was that the trip back to Pegasus would be a smoother ride than the one to Earth, but Woolsey wanted medical staff on hand just in case. Rodney tried to stay out of Jennifer's orbit, though he exchanged a nod and smile with her from across the gateroom where the skeleton crew met before the trip back to Pegasus.

Woolsey gave a surprisingly rousing speech, and then John went down to sit in the chair and together he and Rodney brought Atlantis back to Pegasus.

The evening they touched down on M24-982, after reestablishing wormhole contact with Earth and raising many glasses of champagne at the welcoming party for the new and old faces that came back through the stargate, Rodney lay awake, thinking.

He stared out the window at the brightly lit ring of rocks and dust that circled their new planet. ("New New Lantea," Rodney had whispered to John during the welcome speech, and John had whispered back, "It's gotta be more "New"s than that by now, Rodney.") Half-asleep, he thought that maybe you couldn't purposefully, consciously change yourself for other people. But maybe _some_ people, the ones with the right gravitational pull, or the right combination of elements, could catalyze a change in you. And maybe that was okay.

*

Once they were back in Pegasus, Teyla and Woolsey organized teams to begin Kincia negotiations almost immediately.

Atlantis offered Kincia to the Athosians before any other Pegasus nation -- only preceded by a small private gathering in Woolsey's office where the team witnessed Ronon signing his official Lantean citizenship papers -- and the Athosian-Lantean Kincia ceremony was a very celebratory one. Even Rodney found himself surreptitiously wiping away a few tears after Halling boomed: "The Athosians welcome Atlantis into Kincia!"

Teyla stepped aside during the negotiations, insisting that she could not fairly act as an Athosian or Lantean representative. Instead, Halling and Anika stood for the Athosians, and Woolsey and John for Atlantis. Still, it was clear in the terms of the Kincia that much of Teyla's work to secure Atlantis's independence and the ability to offer Lantean citizenship to its most treasured partners had been done with her native people in mind.

The Kincia between the Athosians and Atlantis bound the two groups into one people; every Lantean and Athosian became a full citizen in both societies.

More practically, the Kincia formalized the previously casual staffing of Atlantean posts with Athosians and invited an Athosian representative (in addition to Teyla) to sit with the Senior Board -- formerly the senior staff committee -- in all decision-making regarding Atlantis. Halling reciprocally extended an invitation for a Lantean to sit on the Athosian Council, and Nadira Simon, the most senior of Rodney's faux-scientists and one who had submitted several papers describing partnership ceremonies in Pegasus, requested the position.

In the initial Return-Atlantis-to-Pegasus planning meetings, Teyla had repeated again and again how important it was for Atlantis to being able to form such a tight-knit bond with another people. To the IOA, Teyla and Woolsey had implied that few if any Pegasus civilizations would be eligible for this type of Kincia. While Rodney knew that was true for the time being, a crucial element in several of the Kincia negotiations he had participated in was the possibility that Pegasus worlds might one day create deeper partnerships with Atlantis, after both sides had proven themselves as worthy allies.

*

For the Kincia ceremony, almost all of Atlantis and all of the Athosians gathered in the jumper bay. The promises stated in the ceremony were simple, but more concrete than those in most Kincias. For Atlantis, Woolsey, John, Rodney, and Ronon welcomed the Athosians as citizens of Atlantis and promised to treat them as such for all the days of their future. The Athosian representatives, Halling, Anika, Wex (nearly an adult, Rodney was startled to see), and Teyla promised the same for Atlantis.

This particular Kincia ceremony also made an accounting of the history the Atlantis expedition had shared with the Athosians, acknowledging the help both peoples had provided to each other as well as the times that Atlantis had marginalized the Athosians. The ceremony recognized the individuals who had contributed to both societies, marines who had fallen during assaults on Michael's facility, Athosians who'd joined Lantean gate teams, Lantean scientists who had spent free hours helping rebuild Athosian homes, Athosian fighters who had taught self-defense to frightened Lantean civilians; the list went on and on, honoring those who had been lost and celebrating those who remained.

Rodney had been skeptical when Ronon had first volunteered to write the content of the ceremony. But afterwards, seeing Teyla with tears streaking down her face and more than one of the remaining first-wavers pretending to have something in their eye, Rodney thought realized Ronon had real flair for the understated-yet-dramatic. In retrospect, Ronon’s ability to spin those tales at the SGC should have been a hint.

Both Ronon and John abandoned the crying Teyla to Rodney, who awkwardly patted her back until she laughed at the three of them and went to dance with Kanaan and Torren.

*

Choosing planets and Pegasus peoples to form Kincias with was not always so straightforward as it was with the Athosians.

Teyla and Woolsey had spent many long hours debating whether to include members of the Coalition in the first Kincias.

The Coalition had lost some of its might when Rodney's team had been found not guilty. The Genii saw Atlantis's victory for what it was and had dropped their subtle support of the Coalition. Still, Woolsey had been against reaching out to the Coalition at all -- fair enough, thought Rodney, given how the two-faced Coalition had wanted to abandon his team on some desert planet.

But Teyla argued that the Coalition was a model, if an imperfect one, for how the Pegasus galaxy could come together and elevate itself into a new position of "strength and harmony." The way she put it, "Atlantis must serve the people of Pegasus, but we cannot be the main conveners. That task they have already set themselves to, and it must continue that way. Even if we think we know best, we cannot impose our ways and knowledge onto an entire galaxy. That is no way to build trust, or long-standing stability."

Eventually, Woolsey agreed to reach out to the only neutral member of the panel judging Atlantis: Dimas of the Free Peoples of Riva. Both sides agreed that a Kincia would be premature but held out hope of building up to it in the future. Teams had been to visit some of the other planets in the Coalition as well, ostensibly to resume the limited trading they'd engaged in before Atlantis's sojourn on Earth, but more to remind them that Atlantis _had_ returned to the Pegasus galaxy and intended to stay there.

Ronon's knowledge of planets that had contributed to Sateda's fight against the Wraith with weapons, raw materials, or scientific knowledge -- as well as his observations during the years he was a Runner -- had led to the decision to actively explore Kincia with planets that Atlantis had had only a minimal relationship with before the city's trip to Earth.

Mularo had been one of these planets. Its people had been occasional trading partners with Atlantis, though Ronon said they'd been good friends to Sateda before its fall. They were also owners of mines rich in certain types of metals -- one of which Zelenka thought might be refined into something similar to the trinium used in building the Daedalus.

However, the Mularoans were hesitant to formalize a partnership with Atlantis. Their planet had been lucky and had escaped the notice of both the Wraith and the Asurans, and they were leery of inviting more attention to themselves. Despite Ronon's stories of Atlantis successfully fighting the Wraith, the Mularoans didn't believe Atlantis could truly protect them from future attacks.

Teyla and Ronon had visited the Mularo homeworld to bolster Atlantis's reputation as a force for good in the galaxy. Rodney talked about the advances in science and technology he had made in Pegasus, and John chimed in with how they'd used that knowledge to kill Wraith. Woolsey led Mularoan representatives on tours of Atlantis, highlighting the new partnerships with the Athosians and Keras's people and with the planets Kincia-bonded to Atlantis through AR-2 and AR-3. And they went to many, many ceremonial feasts.

*

"Remind me again why we're visiting for yet another interminably long meal that won't even include coffee?" Rodney asked as they stepped through the gate onto M68-942.

"Because the Mularo make the best Timini dumplings in Pegasus?" Ronon offered.

Rodney glared at him. Ronon grinned back and flipped on his sunglasses. John had bought him a pair back on Earth, and Ronon hadn't been without them since.

"Rodney, these negotiations take time, you know that," Teyla started.

John cut her off. "Usually I'd tell Rodney to stop his whining too, Teyla," he said. "But I'm starting to feel like the Mularoans are just leading us on. If they don't want to partner, we should move on."

Teyla sighed. "I understand your frustrations, and I share them, but our partnership with these people has been purely superficial. They are happy to share in trade agreements with us, but the Kincia is a special arrangement."

"They don't trust us," Ronon said briefly.

"And they have no reason to," said Teyla. "I have told you, and the IOA, trust ceremonies like the Kincia are taken very seriously in this galaxy. While we have brought no harm to the Mularoans, many stories have been spread about Atlantis since you first arrived in this galaxy. Though we fought the charges laid against us by the Coalition, they were not all wrong. We Lanteans _have_ helped to bring about much harm for these worlds, and they have only our word that Atlantis will operate in a more collaborative way in the future."

John grimaced and glanced away, but, startled, Rodney said, "Wait, I thought everything we told the IOA about partnerships in Pegasus was a lie?!"

Teyla laughed. "The best lies contain a kernel of truth, do they not, Rodney?"

"You are _devious_ ," Rodney said, making John and Ronon grin.

*

The dinner was like many others they'd attended. It was just a small group, the four of them and families of the two Mularoans who had been heading the negotiations: Wende and Ioman. In the middle of the dumpling course, John abruptly stood up, pushing his chair back. Rodney had half-ducked down into his chair and was reaching for his gun when he realized that John was making a speech -- an event even more shocking than a surprise attack.

"Tell us what we can do," John said urgently. He leaned towards the Mularoans seated opposite him, both hands on the table. "Not what _Atlantis_ can do, not a term of the Kincia. What can the four of us here do, today, now, to convince you we're serious?"

The room was silent as the Mularoans' somewhat shocked gazes turned contemplative. Finally, Wende spoke up. "Will you dig a well?" She looked at each of the team in turn. "No special machines, no fancy weapons. We have a group set to start digging tomorrow." She turned back to John. "Will you join them?"

John straightened up for a minute, before his posture relaxed back into his slacker pose. "Yeah, we're always up for a little well-digging."

That night Rodney took plenty of time to complain to John about how unreasonable it was for him to use his valuable time to dig a hole in the ground, but the actual digging was a swift, if extremely messy process. At the end of the day, covered in mud, muscles aching from hauling bricks and throat sore from yelling about caulking, Rodney was ready for a hot shower and some real beer.

Wende walked them back to the gate. "I believe the final negotiations will take a few more weeks, but I hope I will see all of you back for the Kincia ceremony soon."

John gave a tired smirk and a wave, and they stepped back through the gate into Atlantis.

After the bliss of a long shower and clean clothes, Rodney and John wandered out to the pier to drink some of the last of the snooty microbrews they'd gotten used to while stationed near San Francisco.

"Not a bad day, huh, Rodney?" John was lying back on his elbows and kicking his legs out over the ocean like a kid.

Rodney snorted and took another swig of his beer. "Oh yes, when I was working my way through my second PhD, I hoped that I might one day dig a well with a stone-age shovel. A dream come true."

John guffawed and Rodney tried to suppress a smile of his own. Perverse as it was, Rodney suspected he'd always relish the sound of John's crazy donkey laugh.

"You know you wouldn't give it up for anything," John said.

Rodney sat up a bit, peering into the distance. "No, I really wouldn't." He paused. "S'why I broke up with Jennifer. Or she broke up with me, it was never really clear."

John went still beside him. "She wanted you to stay on Earth?" He didn't look up, but Rodney could imagine John's face. All closed off, the same look it got whenever there was any mention of "staying" and "Earth" in the same sentence.

"Nope, actually," Rodney said. He opened another beer. "I thought she wanted me to stay, and she thought I wanted her to stay, and in the end, it turns out, neither of us was willing to give up all this," Rodney waved towards the sky, the city, and the ring of light encompassing it all. "Or at least, we weren't willing to give it up for each other."

There was a long pause, and then John started kicking his legs out again, a little stiltedly. "Sorry, buddy."

"Oh, no big deal! I'll likely die alone, unloved, but I guess if it's a choice between dying alone and dying in Pegasus, I'll take Pegasus. Even if it means I get trapped in between you and Ronon when you decide mudfights are the way to _really_ show people we're trustworthy."

"Hey, it worked, didn't it?"

"No no no!" Rodney said. " _Digging the well_ won their trust. The fact that we were willing to get muddy and work as a team with strangers, that's all the crap that mattered to the Mularoans. Don't start thinking you can just throw mud at people and we'll all be best friends. We aren't five, Sheppard."

John gave him a funny grin. "Yeah, I guess we're past pulling on pigtails."

*

By the time AR-1 traveled back to Mularo to perform the Kincia ceremony, about a month had passed and John had started looking the other way whenever Rodney saw him in the mess and in hallways.

The terms of the Mularo Kincia were similar to those with Keras's people. The Mularoans would be allowed to send citizens to work and train on Atlantis and would receive military protection in time of need. In return, they promised special trade terms and would encourage other peoples to explore Kincia with Atlantis.

Wende had grinned and winked at John while promising to speak of Atlantis in good faith, and Rodney had a feeling the story of AR-1 digging in the mud would be making the rounds soon, if it hadn't already.

Still, Rodney decided that being known galaxy-wide as mud-boy would have been far preferable to how his heart sunk a little more every time John turned away from him.

*

A few days after the Kincia on Mularo, Teyla sent an email to the team that said: "Movie night. 1900. Ronon is hosting." It was so succinct that Rodney almost checked the network logs to make sure it had actually come from Teyla's account. Still, he showed up at Ronon's quarters at 7 that night. Ronon opened the door and nodded in response to Rodney holding up a bag of microwave popcorn.

John and Teyla were already there, and John was saying, "Thought maybe you'd been taken over by aliens, Teyla."

Teyla laughed exuberantly, and Rodney couldn't help but smile a little too. "No no," she said. "Torren was asleep on my arm, so I had little mobility. But," she interrupted herself, and glanced around the room at each of them. "I am glad you're all here. I have been too busy to see you all as often as I would wish, and I want to ensure that that we maintain the strength of our own bond of friendship and kinship even as we enter into partnerships with more of Pegasus."

Rodney felt his face heat up, and Ronon picked him up in a bear hug.

"Ow, ow, ow, you Neanderthal, put me down," Rodney shouted. When Rodney regained his feet, Teyla was laughing again and John was leaning up against one wall, close-mouthed and staring down at the floor.

"Okay children," Rodney said, sighing dramatically and attempting to ignore John completely. "What are we watching tonight?"

Teyla picked out the fourth Harry Potter movie, and they watched and drank beer and munched on popcorn and even John seemed to be enjoying himself. Teyla had begun giggling whenever anyone used a wand, and Ronon was critiquing the casting choices, saying that that vampire should never have played Cedric Diggory.

During the Yule Ball scene, Rodney started mocking the truly hilarious burgeoning lust portrayed by the actors. John said cuttingly, "Takes one to know one, McKay."

"Oh yes," Rodney said, stung. "I'm sure you were just as much of a Casanova at fifteen as you are now."

"Maybe I was, McKay, but you need to shut up." Teyla went still between them, but Rodney was too angry to notice.

"Excuse me, Colonel, but I'm allowed to express my opinion, I think."

"Well maybe you should think about whether anyone wants to hear that opinion," John ground out. He was sitting still, facing the screen, but Rodney was halfway out of his seat by now and could feel his face turning red.

"What the hell, Sheppard!" he shouted. "Suddenly I'm some jerk for you to tell off?"

John abruptly stood up. "I'm leaving," he said and started walking towards the door when Rodney jumped up as well. "Yeah, that's right, Colonel, just walk away! You've been great at doing that recently!"

John didn't even pause to respond.

Rodney was standing, fists clenched, fuming, but he refused to go after John to apologize. He hadn't started this fight, he didn't want it, and to hell with John Sheppard anyway.

He realized he'd said this out loud when Ronon said, "He really has been a dick recently," and Teyla replied with a low _"Ronon."_

Rodney sat down, abruptly exhausted. Someone had paused the movie, and the screen was frozen on a tableau of dancing teenagers and Christmas trees. Rodney's head hurt, and he had hot and cold bursts running through his body. It wasn't supposed to be this way, he thought. Not after everything they'd done to get Atlantis here. They were supposed to be _happy_.

"I don't even know what I did," he said plaintively, looking at Teyla.

"Oh, Rodney," said Teyla. "It is not only you. John has been distant with Ronon and myself as well."

Ronon pushed himself into a sitting position from where he was on the floor. "Tried to tell him to ease up after the last mission, and he refused to spar with me later on," he said. "We haven't run together for a week."

Teyla sighed.

"I thought at first it was because I was so busy myself, but..." she opened her hands wide and shrugged her shoulders. "I believe he's going through some kind of emotional struggle. Perhaps the decision to leave Earth was more difficult than he realized?"

Rodney shook his head. "That can't be it, Sheppard was just as eager to get out of there as you were!"

Teyla nodded. "I know, Rodney, but we have done more than just take Atlantis back to its home. Though it will not happen immediately, we have set the city on a path to complete independence from Earth. The IOA may not have completely grasped this yet, but the promises we have already made bind us to this galaxy, and if need be, we will break ties with Earth rather than abandon the people here again. Do you not feel trepidation that you might not see Jeannie again, or Madison?"

"Yes, of course," said Rodney quickly. "But, it's Atlantis, it's…you guys and John and…" He trailed off.

Teyla stood up and stretched her arms over her head. "We will be patient with him," she declared.

Ronon snorted, but stood as well. They each grasped one of Rodney's arms and pulled him off the couch.

"Goodnight, my friends," Teyla said and gave them both a small smile before she left the room.

"Come on McKay," Ronon said. "I've got a pudding cup around here somewhere with your name on it."

"Yes, well," Rodney said. "That's probably because you stole it from me in the first place." But he stayed to eat pudding cups anyway.

*

John stiffly apologized the next day, after running into Rodney outside of the lab.

"Sorry, McKay, it was a long day," he said. "Didn't mean to take it out on you."

Rodney nodded woodenly, even though John wasn't looking at him. "Sure, yes," he said. "That is, I mean, me too. I don't want to fight with you." Rodney winced a bit at his plaintive tone.

John didn't seem to notice. He just nodded, still looking past Rodney's shoulder, and then gave Rodney a slap on the arm and said, "Okay, see you around, McKay," and walked away.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Sure, whatever," he mumbled as he turned to go back into the lab. Stupid Colonels and their stupid angst.

*

The rate of Kincias slowed considerably after the ceremony with the Mularoans. Atlantis had reached out to all the peoples and planets they trusted as well as those that were important early allies to gain. Though there were still many civilizations that would be crucial to building a true galaxy-wide compact, and even more unknown worlds and cultures to explore, these would take time.

With its initial Kincias and negotiations to renew some of its old trade agreements, Atlantis had laid the groundwork for its new role in Pegasus, and now there was time to build up that foundation. Rumors and small overtures of interest began to trickle in from planets that teams from Atlantis had visited in previous years, and at times from nations that had been unknown to Atlantis until her new partners began to spread the word.

Mission objectives switched gears to focus more on following up leads on planets with scientific outposts or weapons technology.

Rodney was gleeful. There were many references in the database to explore, and while there were two empty worlds and one surprise Wraith attack for every amazing find, he was certain they'd be able to find the materials and instructions for making ZPMs somewhere.

However, the number of missions it was possible to schedule was far lower than what it had been when Atlantis was aggressively pursuing Kincias.

Maintaining and strengthening the existing Kincias occupied much of Teyla and Woolsey's time, including setting up the Senior Board and meeting with the Lantean representatives who had volunteered to act as diplomats to Pegasus worlds. Woolsey and John were focused on integrating the many new staff members from various Pegasus worlds into the Lantean civilian and military structure.

While Ronon and Teyla had made excellent precedents, Woolsey confided to Rodney over lunch one day, the sheer number of new staff members and the amount of training they needed just to be able to get around on Atlantis was staggering. Rodney, having dealt with new scientists for years now, was not surprised that “interns” were a challenge.

Despite his enthusiasm for science-focused missions, Rodney was bogged down himself in creating research plans to better parse findings from the Ancient database and in identifying planets that met the Senior Board's mission priorities (mostly focused around searching out information on ZPMs).

After the months of negotiating with the Mularoans, Ronon had decided that Atlantis needed better PR in the galaxy and had taken it upon himself to travel through the gate alone, sharing stories about Atlantis, Wraith-Killers.

As one of the last of a destroyed civilization and a former Runner, Ronon had a special kind of cachet in the Pegasus galaxy. He could reminisce about John requisitioning an interstellar spaceship to save Ronon after knowing him for only a few months, and the galaxy might start to think of the Lanteans as a loyal, reliable people. Ronon also enjoyed tallying up how many Wraith hives Atlantis had blown up since he'd joined the team -- a tale that was always a hit in taverns across the galaxy.

Ronon's storytelling on Earth had been instrumental in getting them all back to Pegasus, and when Ronon had volunteered to construct the vows used during the Kincia ceremonies, Rodney had vaguely remembered that Ronon had studied or written or had something to do with poetry on Sateda. He wondered how long it would be before he could call Ronon a "Warrior Poet" to his face. Probably when he and Ronon stopped training together, Rodney thought.

So everyone was busy and the rate of missions was slow, and Rodney found himself spending even less time with John than before.

*

They didn't have another fight like at the movie night, and sometimes the whole team would have lunch together and it would be like almost nothing had changed.

Torren would make faces, and Ronon would tell a story about a world he had just visited, and it was good. Ronon and Teyla seemed to have reestablished some of their old equilibrium with John, but he and Rodney never hung out alone anymore. And unless Rodney asked him a direct question John tended to ignore him when they were all together.

Rodney still wasn't sure what he'd done to merit being completely frozen out. He couldn't even lie to himself about how much it hurt. While they hadn't ever raced their remote-control cars or played video golf as much as Teyla's raised eyebrows had sometimes implied, John had become his best friend.

John had always been the one Rodney went to first with new ideas or when there was some cool new thing. Zelenka was fine to share scientific achievements with, and Carson had been a good friend to Rodney while he was alive, and his clone might be that again someday. Ronon and Teyla were family, and Jennifer had been willing to listen to him explain the finer points of fuel simulations for hours at a time. But since they first got to Pegasus, Rodney had always turned to John first, and he didn't know what to do now that John wasn't there to turn to.

Then Rodney got a cold.

*

They'd been exploring some ruins (just old, not Ancient) on M3X-349. Shortly after arriving and scanning for completely nonexistent energy signatures Rodney had declared -- at length -- that they were wasting their time poking through the grass and collapsed stone structures.

But Teyla wanted to see if they could determine anything more about the age or provenance of the civilization that had built such large buildings from stone, and John had said -- out loud, while looking at Ronon -- that it wouldn't be the first time some unknown mineral blocked life signs or energy signatures.

So Rodney sighed and continued to scan and stumble through the rocky terrain. There was a cold mist in the air, not heavy enough for rain, but at times it seemed to be almost sleeting, and Rodney was wet and miserable and wanted to go back to Atlantis and hot showers and those little packets of hot chocolate he still had hidden away in his quarters.

Finally, the mist became a full-on downpour, and even Teyla'd had enough.

Back on Atlantis, Rodney started sneezing almost immediately. He rolled his eyes and said, "Great, the one thing I managed to get out of that mission was a cold. Let's pick a nice dry climate for our next mission, hmmm?"

Ronon clapped him on the back and said, "You'll survive, McKay." And then suddenly, John was close, standing in front of him and looking intently into his eyes. Rodney felt a rush of heat run through him and he wondered if he'd developed a fever already.

"Have Keller check you out, McKay," John said.

"What are you going on about?" Rodney said. "I don't think Jennifer's managed to find a cure for the common cold."

John took a step closer, and for some reason Rodney had a hard time catching his breath.

"Rodney, please. Just get checked over, okay?" John's voice was pleading and kinder than Rodney had heard from him for months.

"Yeah, okay, sure," Rodney babbled.

John was still staring at him.

"John," Rodney said. "I'll be fine."

He started to reach out to John, unsure of why his hand was even doing that, but John just nodded and turned away, saying, "I'll give Woolsey the report, guys. Go get dried off." He ran up the stairs, and Rodney, feeling like he was missing something, turned towards the infirmary.

Jennifer looked a little panicked when Rodney explained about the mist and the cold, but after far more tests than Rodney could have imagined were necessary and an admonition from Jennifer to come back the next day "just in case," Rodney went back to his quarters.

It wasn't until Rodney was finally warming up in the shower that he realized what had made John and Jennifer freak out.

"Oh, for god's sake!" he shouted to the empty bathroom. "I didn't catch another parasite!"

Rodney let the heat of the shower soak into his back just a little longer. "And _I'm_ supposed to be the hypochondriac," he grumbled, getting out of the shower.

And what the hell? Suddenly John could worry about Rodney's life being in danger after weeks and weeks and weeks of ignoring him entirely? He tried to comfort himself with the thought that John didn't seem to actively _hate_ Rodney and that Rodney's well-being was important to John in some way, but it was cold comfort.

"So done with this," Rodney muttered, curling up under the covers of his bed. "Next chance I get, I'm locking us up together in a transporter. And I won't let him out until he can look me in the face and stop acting like a psychopath."

*

The next week turned out to lack opportunities to lock John into a confined space with him. Atlantis's network had news that the Wraith would be passing by M92-827, so Rodney spent the next three days trying to erect a temporary shield similar to the one on the planet of the formerly-bratty-children while the rest of the offworld teams evacuated as many people as possible in the time they had.

At the last minute, Rodney got the shield working, and the Wraith popped into the planet's atmosphere and scanned the area but found nothing. Rodney fell asleep halfway through the celebratory party that night.

After sleeping for a solid day, Rodney woke up to a malfunction in the sewer lines. He cursed Kavanagh's memory to high hell, learned a few new Czech expletives from Zelenka, and spent the next two days smelly and pissed off. Once the sewer system was back up and running, Rodney collapsed into bed, realizing that John might very well decline to get into a transporter with him in the first place, so perhaps his plan needed some refining.

*

The next day, AR-1 headed to M2X-385 to begin negotiations for a new Kincia. The Kronijver people had come to Atlantis's attention through the Mularoans, who had already hosted a couple of meet-n-greets between Atlantis and the Kronijvers. A few representatives had visited Atlantis to receive the official "So-you're-interested-in-Kincia" tour of city, but today would be AR-1's first visit to the Kronijver homeworld.

The Kronijvers weren't scientists, and as far as they or the Ancient database knew their planet didn't have any particularly useful or scarce resources. They had hardly any population -- only a small village worth of people. Yet Teyla was more excited than Rodney had ever seen her before a mission, almost gleeful.

"They are storytellers," Teyla had explained. "The ones known to my people were travelers who shared histories and mythologies from other peoples and earlier times. They also collected new stories to bring back to their homeworld to then disseminate on other worlds."

The Kronijver homeworld was dry, arid country, unlike most of the habitable planets in the galaxy. Rodney made a face, remembering his recent wish for a dry mission.

Myclief, the man who had first reached out to Atlantis, met Rodney's team at the gate.

"Welcome to our world!" Myclief said. "I was hoping we might start with a tour of our archives, if you are not overly tired from your travels."

"Love a good archive," John said drily, but Teyla gave John a quelling look and said their journey hadn't been at all tiring. Myclief led them down a series of stone steps into the archives.

"These caverns have been here as long as the Kronijver have been storytelling in this galaxy, which is many hundreds of generations," Myclief began, then asked, "I understand from our friends on Mularo that among you there are those who specialize in learning the history of buildings and the history of civilizations and stories?"

"Yes," Teyla said. "Atlantis is home to several archeologists and anthropologists."

"Ah," Myclief said. "Perhaps they will be as interested as we are in how the legends of this galaxy change over time and how they spread -- such as the tale of fierce Holanna and Thuis who hunted Wraith, whose names change in different versions of the tale, and who on some planets are said to be sisters, on others lovers, and yet others rival queens who allied to combat their common enemy. Or in how the names of the stars and planets differ from one world to another, even if the Ring of the Ancestors makes us all hear the name we are most familiar with…"

"I _knew_ they weren't all calling it 'the Pegasus galaxy' all along!" John interrupted, apparently forgetting to be cool and distant for a minute.

Ronon distracted Rodney from looking at John by poking his shoulder and saying, "This guy Myclief's like you, McKay, but nice."

But Rodney went back to studying the energy readings from his scanner and waved him away.

"Come, come, there is much to show you!" Myclief said, and started explaining the organizational structure to the caverns, which were arranged by civilization and then age.

"Myclief, another question," Rodney interrupted, looking up. "This stone, it's blocking energy signatures, is that right?"

"Yes, Doctor McKay! That is one of the reasons why our people and the knowledge stored here have lasted so long! Our village is so small, the Wraith have rarely come to this planet in our history, but when they have come, we hide in these caverns, and they cannot find us."

"That is quite an advantage," Teyla said.

"Yes," said Myclief. "But the caverns are becoming full. This is one of the areas where we hope you might be able to help us if we join with you in Kincia. You see, all of our documents are written on a special paper that we make in the village. We trade the paper for food and supplies, and it has special properties that make it last for many, many years. Some of these documents are thousands of years old."

"So you want something as long-lasting, but smaller?" John asked.

"Exactly, exactly, Colonel Sheppard! Also, although these caverns have provided us and the histories of Pegasus safety for as long as we have records, we would like to be able to store the library in other places as well."

"Back-ups," said Ronon, nodding. "Good in case this planet was blown up."

"You understand us perfectly!" said Myclief.

"Well, Myclief, I think that is something we could work together to develop," said Teyla.

"Yes," said Rodney, mind already racing. "You'd want something that would be accessible to anyone and easy to use. Shouldn't need a power source, besides maybe the sun or something that would always be easily available. Hmm…."

Teyla smiled at Rodney. "As you see, Dr. McKay is already quite intrigued by the idea."

"Well!" said Myclief. "Have you seen enough of the archives? Would you like to hear one of the stories or histories we have stored here?"

Myclief led them down one tunnel to where he said there were some older histories about the Athosians. He had only a small light to lead the way, but the walls and bookshelves all reflected the beams so it was bright enough to see the writing on the spines of some of the books as they passed by them.

*

Rodney wondered why they'd never heard about the Kronijver people from any of their other partners. Teyla had known there was a group of people who traveled around the galaxy telling stories from other civilizations and collecting new stories. However, she'd apparently never heard of a huge underground library that housed these stories.

Did the Kronijvers themselves usually not talk to outsiders about the archives? Myclief seemed absurdly excited to show them off, as if he rarely had the chance to do so.

After the tour, Myclief invited them to a simple dinner with some of the other Kronijvers who had visited Atlantis. One of them, Karah, was talking about giving history lessons to the peoples in Kincia with Atlantis.

"For too long we have held the knowledge of the history of Pegasus clutched tightly to ourselves, for fear of losing it entirely. But the City of the Ancestors returning and creating full, formal partnerships has given us hope that the galaxy is blossoming, and that the time is finally right to share our knowledge of its past."

"Karah, I wonder if you might answer an impertinent question," said Teyla.

Karah laughed. "I can hardly imagine you asking such a thing, Teyla. But please, all questions are welcome from you!"

Teyla smiled. "I understand history is more than accounts of a series of events, and that different perspectives will produce different versions of a battle or a trade agreement, for instance. Given all that, how can you be sure that the records you keep as histories are truthful?"

Karah nodded. "In many cases, we have no fail-proof method of verifying the stories we are given. For major events, we will usually try to collect stories from many participants on as many sides as possible."

"However, the real answer lies in our organization system. Myclief took you to where the Athosian documents are stored, yes? Well, that corridor houses both histories and legends, all of the mythologies and beliefs of the Athosians that our early ancestors could collect. But the histories that we consider most factual we keep in another corridor. The versions in that corridor have all been verified by use of the _argelus_."

"And what is the _argelus_?" Teyla prompted.

"It is a drink, a kind of tea, but prepared slightly differently," Kanah explained. "It clarifies the mind while repressing untruths. For a time after drinking it, those who consume it cannot tell stories that are completely untruthful."

"A truth serum!" Rodney exclaimed. "No way."

John had stiffened up during Karah's explanation. Which just figured, Rodney thought, what with John Sheppard being the last person in the world who'd ever take truth serum.

Karah looked a little confused at Rodney's exclamation, but she continued. "We had planned to invite one of you to tell us one of your stories about Atlantis. We would not ask for any monumental events at this stage in our negotiations, but we would like to add something to the archive about the Lanteans. For instance, someday, Teyla, we would invite you to share the story of creating the Kincia for Atlantis. However, it may not be right to tell the story too soon; it is hard to record history while it is in the making."

"And you want us to drink this _argelus_ before we tell you our story," John said slowly.

Teyla and Ronon exchanged glances.

"Yes, Colonel Sheppard," said Kanah gently. "We do understand it is a great thing to ask. Even the best of friends or the truest couple does not wish to share the truth of every thought that passes through their head."

She turned to look at Teyla, and then Rodney and Ronon as well.

"But at their hearts, the Kincias are about building trust between people, are they not? And we would ask you to trust us to ask you no revealing questions, and to trust your own people to protect you and keep you safe."

"Would you be willing to drink the _argelus_ and share some piece of Lantean history with us, Colonel?"

She held John's eyes for a long moment, while Rodney felt the air squeeze out of his lungs and the world seemed to slow down for those few seconds.

"Yeah," said John hoarsely, and then cleared his throat. "I'll tell you one of our stories."

Karah nodded and dinner continued with no further mention of the _argelus_. John was mostly silent, staring down at his plate, and even Teyla seemed slightly strained.

*

Afterwards, Myclief led them into a small room lined with wooden benches. There was a table in the center of the room, with a stack of the Kronijvers' paper and a sharpened stylus of some sort. Rodney nervously rifled through the papers, but they were all blank, and he wondered, for perhaps the millionth time, what John was thinking.

"John," said Teyla after Myclief had left them alone. "You do not need to do this. The Kronijvers will continue negotiations with us for some time whether you share this with them or not."

"Teyla, I know," said John. "I just. I think I have to do this, for myself, okay?"

Teyla nodded, looking worried, and John turned and paced across the room and back again. Ronon and Rodney gravitated towards the door, and Rodney felt a bit like a sentry, keeping watch, until Karah entered with a carafe of hot liquid.

"This is the _argelus_ , Colonel Sheppard. I will record your story, if you still agree to share it with us."

John nodded his head once, and Karah poured the tea. It looked just like tea, anyway, brownish and clear -- there were even a few leaves floating in it. Rodney wondered if the stuff really worked like they thought, or if it was just the combination of the ceremony and the people who would volunteer to drink something that produced truthful stories.

John picked up the cup and drank it down in one gulp.

"Please Colonel, sit down," said Karah, indicating the benches along the walls. "The _argelus_ strengthens the mind, but can leave the body a little off balance at first."

"Any other side effects?" Ronon asked gruffly as John gingerly sat on the bench farthest from the door.

"No, Poet Dex, no other side effects," said Karah. "Colonel, you may begin whenever you are ready."

John closed his eyes and dropped his head to rest on the wall behind him. Rodney's heart ached. Why was John doing this? Rodney could have told them a hundred thousand stories about Atlantis, there was no need for the man who could barely communicate a 'thank you' to risk revealing his innermost secrets.

"Where should I start?" John asked.

"Tell me what story you are sharing with us," Karah said.

John let out a breath and said, "I'm going to tell you how I woke the Wraith."

Rodney's eyes widened and he shared worried looks with Teyla and Ronon, but neither of them said anything. They all just moved a little closer to where John was sitting.

John started his telling with stepping through the stargate to reach the Athosian homeworld. He seemed to be doing fine, recounting the need to find a hospitable planet in case Atlantis was flooded, and he got through the Wraith culling with only a few awkward pauses.

Karah was silent, eyes focused on the paper in front of her and the words she was writing down, and Rodney was fiercely glad the words were being translated to paper and John's actual halting voice wouldn't remain in the Kronijver archives for anyone to listen to.

It wasn't until John began recalling the search through the hive ship that he started shaking with small, almost unnoticeable tremors. He leaned forward, pausing in his story to put his hands over his eyes.

"Take your time, Colonel," Karah said gently.

Rodney glared at Karah, but Teyla went and sat next to John, grasping his hand in both of hers. Ronon followed, leaning over Teyla to put his hand on John's shoulder. John took a shuddering breath.

Rodney was still standing near the door, hands hanging down at his sides and feeling helpless.  
Then John opened his eyes and looked straight at Rodney. "Please, Rodney," he said, voice strangled, and Rodney practically raced to sit on John's other side, pressed up tight against him from shoulder to thigh.

John took a few more gulping breaths, and then he finished the story, how they found Teyla and his people and got them out, and how he found Colonel Sumner and shot him, and then seeing the hunger in the Wraith Queen for a new feeding ground.

John ended the story there, and Karah thanked him, gathered her papers, and quietly left.

*

The team didn't move. Stupid John, such a guilt-hoarding dumbass, thought Rodney. He tried to be incredulous, but it all made so much sense. _Of course_ John was still consumed by guilt that his first real act in the Pegasus galaxy had been to literally wake a sleeping monster.

But they had all done things they weren't proud of -- and Rodney wasn't particularly looking forward to sharing those stories with the Kronijver. Still, only John would feel that he was doing something wrong in trying to make a new start in a galaxy without atoning for his wrongs.

Against his side he felt John starting to shake even harder, and Rodney looked over at him in alarm only to find that John was silently laughing.

"Oh god," he gasped. "That was ridiculous." And then he started laughing in his loud, insane guffaws.

"John, perhaps you should try to breathe," said Teyla wryly, still clasping his hand.

"Oh, yeah," He paused for another round of laughing. "Good idea." He took several breaths and seemed to calm down a bit.

"Hey guys, is there anything you wanted to ask me? You should do it now while I can actually answer you!"

"No no, that's okay," said Rodney nervously. "You just keep breathing."

"No really! Okay, okay, how about….umm…. Teyla: I actually like things that go below 200 miles an hour! I totally say that to sound cool, but I really love driving lawnmowers. I kind of wish we could have them, but I guess we don't have any grass in Atlantis, so never mind."

Ronon stood up and tried to examine John's pupils. "Is he high? I thought she said there weren't any other effects."

"No, no, buddy," said John. "It's all me. Man, once you start talking it's hard to stop. I bet this is what it's always like for you, huh, Rodney?"

Rodney's mouth was hanging open at this point, and John didn't wait for his response. "Oh, also, guys, I'm totally gay! I am attracted to men, not women." Rodney boggled, but John wasn't stopping.

"Ronon, buddy, I really hate that Satedan torture game of yours. You should take some of this truth serum stuff so I can ask if you just made it up to humiliate Earthlings."

"Actually, yeah," said Ronon. "I totally made that one up."

John laughed again, and Teyla shared a somewhat desperate look with Rodney.

"John, really, you can stop talking. You don't need to prove anything to us," she said.

Rodney jumped in before John could get going again. Worst case, he could outtalk John until the truth tea wore off. "Yeah, exactly. You know, even your assholeish behavior of the last couple of months makes sense now, all that inner turmoil eating you up."

He was about to launch into a nice monologue on the uselessness of inner turmoil, but lost his train of thought when John suddenly stilled again and looked down at his knees.

"Well, actually," John started.

Rodney panicked. "No no no no no," he said. "Your secrets are yours to keep. John, you need to stop talking, right now."

"No, Rodney, I want to tell you." John looked up and met Rodney's eyes. "That's the truth, remember? The serum doesn't make me want to speak, but I can't lie about wanting to tell you. Please."

Rodney looked around frantically for Ronon or Teyla, but somehow they'd slipped out of the room without Rodney noticing.

"Rodney?" asked John.

Rodney looked at him. Though there was a sheen of sweat across John's forehead, his eyes were clear. And he was really _looking_ at Rodney for the first time in months, and saying "please."

"Yeah, okay," Rodney gulped. "I'll listen."

"I'm," John paused. "God, Rodney, I'm so sorry. I was just… so angry. After you told me about why you and Keller broke up, I was so pissed at myself, and it brought up all… well, what you said. About the guilt, and stuff. And I took it out on you, and it wasn't fair."

John took a deep breath and his face relaxed, as if a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders. Rodney, however, was completely lost.

"Wait wait wait -- I mean, don't answer if you don't want to, but why did me breaking up with Jennifer piss you off? That doesn't make any sense!"

John groaned. "Because. You both decided. You said… neither of you would stay on Earth for the other."

Rodney felt the world tilting as it did in those moments just before he had a flash of pure insight, of brilliant discovery.

These moments happened fairly often when he was around John, but usually there were bullets flying or imminent Wraith or some insane deadline to beat. With all of the distractions, Rodney had never really paid attention to how the air became tinted with a slight blue-green at those times, nor to how all of the details of the scene in front of him would suddenly light up like they were glowing from within.

And, Rodney realized, with a growing sense of wonder, he'd never had the chance to really look at John in these moments either. John was brighter than everything else around him, and he always had been. How had Rodney never noticed that before?

Rodney could tell epiphany was right around the corner -- just a few more data points and he'd be able to fit everything into place.

John was still talking. "But -- I would have stayed." He was staring down at his knees yet again, though his shoulder was still pressed against Rodney's. " _I_ would have stayed. On Earth. If. If you had asked me."

And everything snapped together.

"Oh my god, you love me!" Rodney exclaimed.

John dropped his head into his hands again and whined out Rodney's name. It was surprisingly comforting to hear the e's and y's drawn out in John's nasal tone the way they should be, instead of the curt "McKay" he'd become used to.

"No, but -- John," Rodney said hesitantly. "You know I would never have asked that of you."

Head still cradled in his hands, John just shook his head. "Rodney, I'm sorry," he said. "I know I've been horrible to you, but that's over. We can go back to how we were."

But Rodney was far, far ahead of him, all of the pieces of John finally fitting together in a way that made sense, possibly for the first time since Rodney had known him.

"No no no no no! First of all, YOU LOVE ME. There's no take-backs, Colonel!"

John was startled enough at this to pull his head out of his hands. "What are you -- " he started, but Rodney was flying forward.

"Second of all, I would never have asked you to stay on Earth because I know what Atlantis means to you. The city and this galaxy and Ronon and Teyla -- they're family, and you made the whole damn galaxy your responsibility before the rest of us had even figured out which way was up."

"720 permutations, right?" said John, smiling tentatively.

Rodney nodded. "Exactly, stop interrupting. As I was saying, THIRDLY, you ASSHOLE, those are exactly the same reasons why I couldn't stay on Earth. That, and because I couldn't leave you," he ended.

John looked shell-shocked. "Oh," he said. "So. That means, well, huh."

"Yes, you IDIOT!" Rodney said. He didn't seem to be able to keep from shouting every third word, but he figured that might actually be helpful to John at this point. John had apparently been in love with Rodney for _years_ and had never even hinted at it. Rodney couldn't believe he could have been so dense as to miss it. But then, it was looking like he himself had been in love with John for a long, long time without ever realizing it, so maybe he couldn't throw stones.

Still, he was in the middle of a good rant, so he continued, "Yes, that means I LOVE you too. You are so dumb! Yes, love, as in, let's move in together and have lots of sex, or keep it quiet until we secede or your ridiculous country becomes a little less bigoted, whichever comes first. Whatever. Or we can just make out or something. Is it all coming together in your tiny little brain now?"

John was looking down at his knees again, but Rodney could see a smile growing across his face.

"Huh," said John. "So I could conceivably do this." He shifted his hand off his knee and slipped it into Rodney's, brushing Rodney's palm with his thumb.

Rodney felt a jolt of electricity, and he laughed. "Yes," he said hoarsely. "Yes, do that." And he squeezed John's hand back, hard.

 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SGA Secret Santa 2010. Dear goddess47! Your prompt was amazingly inspiring, and while this story is not at all what I first set out to write ("Atlantis declaring independence is well beyond my scope," I said to myself early on), I really enjoyed writing it, and I hope you like it too! Many many many many thanks to my amazing beta skaredykat, who put up with me being constantly late on my own deadlines and kept saying “it could be better” while giving me amazing feedback and encouragement at every round. You are a seriously a star. Any remaining faults are totally mine. And given that this story was both much longer and far more ambitious than anything else I've written in fandom, concrit is totally welcome from any and all. (Title credit to David Berkeley.)


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